“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose – not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.” Anne Sullivan
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Douglas Adams
You may have noticed that my previous post was a while coming? Perhaps not, but I certainly did. When I started this blog I was inspired – filled with enthusiasm, vigour and words, so many words! One-and-a-half-feet on the Ground was long-held dream of mine that was finally turning into reality – woo hoo! Go me! But I’d been flitting about and being inspired about my blog for a couple of weeks running, and so, inevitably, I ran out of steam. Tiredness was descending at a rapid rate, and one thing I had learnt over the past few years was that a happy me is a rested me. So I rested.
But in the meantime, my original goal and deadline of a blog post per week went zooming by, and unlike Douglas Adams, I did not enjoy the whooshing sound at all! In fact, it really bothered me, though it took me a while to recognise just exactly how much.
Instead my relationship with my blog changed significantly. I didn’t want to look at it, talk about it or hear about it, and even the very thought of it sent waves of irritability through me. I knew it was ridiculous, and I knew I was behaving just like a little kid throwing a tantrum, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Every time I went near my computer, a little voice inside of me screamed “But I don’t wannaaaaaaaa!”
I knew I was frustrated and angry with myself for missing my deadline, but as this target was self-imposed, why should it matter? Why was I feeling and acting this way?
In an effort to turn the situation around, I decided to write about it. Perhaps I could even trick myself into writing a blog post while I was going about processing this conundrum? (Trickery and bribery – I hear it works quite well with childish tantrums!)
Finally, I realised that I didn’t want to face my blog because I didn’t want to face my failure. I hadn’t done what I said I was going to and had, in my own mind, once again proven myself not to be good enough. The longer I avoided facing my failure; the more my shame, negative self-talk and subconscious doubts and fears fed into it – my blog was morphing into a monstrosity – it was…the “Blog Monster”!
It then made me wonder, if by avoiding my deficiencies I can turn my simple inspirational blog into such a villain, what happens when it is a person who reflects my weaknesses back at me? Do I turn that person into a monster? Have others done this to me?
How often do we turn on our partners, friends or family because they remind us of who we could be, or want to be? What happens when we feel we don’t measure up to them, or for them? When our dreams come crashing about our ears and we feel the heartache and disappointment mirrored back at us by those closest to us? Do we get angry? Irritable? Avoidant? Anxious? Embarrassed? Do we sometimes blame them and their “high expectations” rather than facing our truth, our failures?
So, how did I go about facing my own failure and conquering the “Blog Monster”? Well not surprisingly, once I recognised and acknowledged my thoughts and feelings around my failure to meet my deadline, the blighter promptly disappeared – just like that – poof, gone! It turns out my blog – and my deficiencies – aren’t so bad, embarrassing or scary after all. In fact, it seems I’m now feeling rather inspired…
When have you avoided facing your failures?
How did you react – did you take it out on someone or something else?
Did you find that acknowledging/admitting your failures helped or hindered you?